top of page

A message of hate

Access to Health Records Request

Sarah Gonnet

Sarah Gonnet has been experimenting with various forms of writing over the last few years. Recently she has been writing a lot of arts-orientated journalism for The Guardian, The Journal, Luna Luna, Sabotage Reviews, Screenjabber and essays on female artists for The Bubble. She is also working with Survivors Poetry and one of her poems was chosen as their ‘Poem of the Month’ in July. Under the pseudonym Azra Page, Sarah has published two collections of autobiographical pieces: Catharsis and Dull Eyes; Scarred Faces. Carolyn Jess Cooke published several of Sarah’s poems for her blog “On Depression”. Sarah also writes plays which are going through the development process of being performed at scratch nights.

Her Blog has just been shortlisted for the Blog North Awards.

I see you for the first time in years,

outside the corner shop,

you’re still trying to look cool.


You see me back;

there is a tightening of muscles in your throat,

like you’re trying to swallow your own tongue.

Along with it would go all the spite you spit into the world.


I wish it would swim like a long, dark eel,

down into your stomach,

and then dissolve…


…except one piece.

One slither for you to regurgitate,

and get stuck.

One piece big enough to choke you,

to death.


If you hadn’t bullied me,

I wouldn’t be this crazy.


If you hadn’t dissected me with insults;

broken my skin with violence,

I would have thought that I deserve better,

than a razorblade to split open my arms.

I wouldn’t have pressed down as hard,

pulled back as far.


If I hadn’t gone to school,

and have you shout at me day, after day;

I wouldn’t have swallowed those pills,

vomited my guts up,

over and over.


If you hadn’t kept me trapped,

in a cage of isolation,

someone might have heard my screams.


I might not be dead.

Self-care was quite poor.


The need to protect words.


All sharps have been removed.


Visual pseudohallucination.


The voice is usually in the second person.


Deliberate self-harm.


People at school had laughed at her.


They’re not real because “they are completely different from anything I would think”


Her current presentation is quite unusual.


I would recommend…




Care coordination.




Some anti-depressant.




She is:

Preferring to nod and gesticulate.


“Everyone is scary”.


Atypical anti-psychotics.


Final Acts in Anticipation of Death.


She is sorry she recovered.

Lock her up.


bottom of page